The Jerk Store

The Jerk Store called, they’re running out of you.

In arguably one of the funniest episodes of Seinfeld, “The Comeback”, George Costanza has one of those moments that happens to all of us at some point in our lives. He concocts the perfect comeback after it’s too late to make it work. It happens to me quite often, actually. If I could go back in time I would be the funniest man alive.

“Hey George, the ocean called, they’re running out of shrimp.”

While scarfing down shrimp during a meeting, George’s nemesis, Riley, embarrasses him by saying, “Hey George, the ocean called, they’re running out of shrimp.” Everyone in the meeting erupts in laughter at George’s expense. So, on his way to Jerry’s apartment, George stews over the confrontation and comes up with what he thinks is a comeback so sweet that it’s a mortal sin not to use it. What is this amazing comeback you may ask? “The Jerk Store called and they’re running out of you.”

George is excited about the line’s potential to level Riley once and for all, so he tries the line on Jerry, Elaine and Cosmo only to get blank faces as a response. You could almost hear the disbelief in George’s brain that the Jerk Store line doesn’t bring huge guffaws from his friends. What’s worse is that Elaine, Jerry and Cosmo offer their own lame comebacks as another option which enrages George as he’s settled on Jerk Store.

As Seinfeld episodes do, the story gets funnier and funnier as George tries to capitalize on the line but keeps falling short. Finally at the end of the episode, he finds the opportunity to face Riley again and deliver his perfect comeback only to have Riley turn the line around at George by saying, “What’s the difference? You’re their all-time best seller!” for a double whammy. Poor George returns home in defeat but not before trying Kramer’s horrible suggestion first. “Oh Yeah, Riley? I slept with your wife!” George swiftly is told that Riley’s wife is suffering a coma which pretty much demoralizes George and ends the comeback war.

The comeback is an amazing thing. The ability to summon all of the comedic and insulting powers of the universe to coexist in a single moment to strike devastation onto one’s foe is surely magical. Unfortunately for me, I find the power much as George does, long after the opportunity to use it has passed. Oh, what sweet retribution I could have enjoyed had my wit been better timed.

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